More than one year mark. Wow

Can't believe the last post I made was about one year ago. I have been missing apparently. Changed my job, moving houses. So many things happened.

I honestly currently at the moment felt like I will never ever gonna be happy in my entire life it makes me feel so so sad, upset, stressed out, depressed and disappointed. It's like, I feel as if I need to put up a fake face, a show on this world stage. Put up a smile, agree whatever people say to avoid offending them, do whatever people wants you to do because its for the best. For me. What?

I found the love of my life I've been waiting high and low, after 12 years. I do love him, I do but this love hurts. Hurts so bad.  I might seem so selfish but I feel like I want to die at times. Most of the times are happy days but usually it will end up with misery. It is so depressing. It feels really depressing. I feel that I am ready and not ready at the same time. I don't know what I want. It's frustrating.

This is such a depressing and immature post but I just need somewhere, some place to type it out.

Honestly right now I just feel like I want to bang my head to the wall and crack them up.

Some Thoughts

The clock shows its 3.49 am. I have been trying to sleep since 2.00 am but I do not know why I could not make myself to fall asleep. Perhaps maybe the coffee I took cuz I planned to study but in the end I did not. Arranged a haircut appointment tomorrow. Gonna cut my long locks and back to pixie. The weather turned horrible each day and I could not bear any more of it.

Came back from Saudi Arabia last week. Conclusion? I am very much happy with the trip. Really happy. Never feel so touched, feel lucky that I was born a Muslim. Maybe I should embrace it slowly by re-studying back everything about my own religion. I am not proud of this but I was a graduated religion student when I was in elementary but sadly, I forgot everything about what I learnt, what I studied for 4 years in that school.

Since my last trip to the Haram Land, my heart became softer and even softer. I have been reading a lot about religions. Not just Islam but also about the Jew and Christian. Want to read the Torah so badly like how I read the Holy Bible during free times. So into them. I kinda miss Medina and Mecca though. I am so grateful that I have the chance to pray in the Haram Mosque and the Prophet Mosque. So peaceful, so calm and soothing. So happy, nothing to worry.

I have been thinking about this. If I did not quit my employment from being a hotelier, most probably I won't be able to stop drinking, stop partying and stop fooling around. I miss being one but I am more grateful I managed to resign and moved on. At that age of 19 - 21 years old. 3 years of being all party animal, being wild and the only thing I know is having fun. Felt so sinned.

Perhaps maybe one day I can fully embrace Islam by putting on hijab on my crown slowly. Slowly, not drastically. Looking forward for that day.. :)

Beautiful Words

Good morning,
I'm in class, sleepy and sighing on how horribly hungry I am right now.
The conversations we had last night still ringing in my head.

I feel touched on how peculiar you are towards me, telling me all those simple, sweet little words.
Disbelieved. Trying not to believe too much. That usually happen to someone who was once a non-believer trying to breakdown one by one all those vague information.

Sick and tired of being let down all the time previously by man who once I loved, but that love fades as time goes by knowing the ugly truth that they will never come back. Trying to be cautious and aware in every words, every gesture, every movement and even every thoughts that came to mind.

Pen off, class finishes at 10.

Dear Love

"I think I'll miss you forever,
Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky... "

It is just has been, how many days? Let's see. 3 to 4 days and I am already missing you like crazy.
Had to wait until the end of the month until I could see you again.

Keep on whispering, to remind myself to be patient. I can be. Just, after all these years and I finally got you back and be on track and you gotta be away again even for few weeks :') Ahh.

Dear Lord, I thank you for making everything happen to me. You kicked some feelings sense in me and I finally be able to feel back the gifts I threw away back then for how many years which I have been swimming in emptiness. I feel very grateful for that.

Dear Love,
How's over there? I hope you're doing well there. Must have been busy. I feel so happy you surprise texted me the other day. Didn't see that coming. Really.

Dear Love,
If only you are able to read this since, I don't want anyone to know that this blog exists for me to pour everything from my heart out like a diary. I don't want any discovery happen and people know this blog belongs to me. Since I hate writing. I just, type everything.

Honestly I really hate emotional attachment but then why do I feel happy after the attachment happens. Dear Lord, I hope no more heartbreaking moments for me. As I grew older, I just....... tired of getting to know new people, more people and leads me off better to be on my own.

12 years ain't short. If I ever need to face any challenge and problem, with Your blessings and guidance, I will be able to make it through.

Amen.

To find that Lost Love

Back then during high schools well, I used to be a person who is full of inspiration, aspiring and yeah....juicy brain type of person. I was so in love with drawings. I draw every single day. In text books, papers, exam papers, everywhere as long as I have my only preferred tool of trade - a 2B pencil. Always.

To think about it, I can't even remember when is the last time I draw anything. Seriously. I don't know. I don't know whether I have talents or not in fine arts. I wish I knew.

Been figuring out why and how did I stopped drawing. I feel sad, it is really heartbreaking. I was a person who is very anticipated to draw. Anything! But now, I feel nothing, empty. No more extra capability of mine. No more.

I wonder where are all my old drawings gone to. In digital or the original piece.

Dot.

Romanticism

No idea now I am totally hooked up on you.
We have been spending time with each other too much these days. Well, not just that. We are dating now.
I guess 12 years of waiting worth it? No idea. I hope it does.

I just wish things goes fine and the best for me. Really. I don't know what love is and the idea of falling in love still, scares the shit out of me but I feel happy and comfortable. Also, we could talk it out and discuss about it.

I like that.

Yayo

Yayo yayo yayo..
Lana Del Rey's voice just mesmerizing and I am really serenaded by her.

"Let me put on a show for your darling, let me put on a show for you tiger. Let me put on a show.."

Been spending time with you too much these days. I don't know if it is a bad thing or good thing. What I know is that I feel happy. What I always wanted. Simplicity.

Life has been hectic. I've been keep falling sick these days. Fortunately I recover as soon as there are jobs around. Alhamdulillah. I feel so grateful for the health granted for me.

I am very happy for a start of my 2013. Life's been good. Work has been happy even though tiring.