More than one year mark. Wow

Can't believe the last post I made was about one year ago. I have been missing apparently. Changed my job, moving houses. So many things happened.

I honestly currently at the moment felt like I will never ever gonna be happy in my entire life it makes me feel so so sad, upset, stressed out, depressed and disappointed. It's like, I feel as if I need to put up a fake face, a show on this world stage. Put up a smile, agree whatever people say to avoid offending them, do whatever people wants you to do because its for the best. For me. What?

I found the love of my life I've been waiting high and low, after 12 years. I do love him, I do but this love hurts. Hurts so bad.  I might seem so selfish but I feel like I want to die at times. Most of the times are happy days but usually it will end up with misery. It is so depressing. It feels really depressing. I feel that I am ready and not ready at the same time. I don't know what I want. It's frustrating.

This is such a depressing and immature post but I just need somewhere, some place to type it out.

Honestly right now I just feel like I want to bang my head to the wall and crack them up.